All Theatre Should Start at 7:00

Last night, Mommy and I put on our Tuesday Best and went to the theatre to see Man and Boy starring Frank Langella and, one of my favorite actors, Some Other Guy:

Actual Press Release

And it was good.  Frank Langella carried the entire play on his oversized shoulders.  The set was dapper.  There were other people in it.  Costumes happened. Sound, too. Also, lighting, plotline and talking!  This play had it all!

No, really, it was good. 

But it would have been ENJOYABLE if it had started at 7 instead of 8.  Because it had a run time of 2.5 hours.  And by 8:00 on Tuesday evening, the common theatre-going folk are generally a tad bit tired.  And this happens:

Now listen.  I know that my timeline differs from the general Broadway actor's.  They are people of the night;  I am forced out into the sunlight every morning along with the rest of the working folk.

In order to demonstrate how we are different, I will compare my general timeline to big Broadway star Frank Langella's.

11:00PM - 2:00AM :

Gina goes to bed but stays awake for three hours, thinking and re-thinking Almost to Every possible scenario of Doom that could ever happen, i.e. whether there really will be a warning of trumpets announcing the arrival of the Apocalypse and, if so, should she pack a bag or not.

Frank Langella gets a lapdance and does a shot every time someone uses his full name in a sentence.

2:00AM - 7:00AM :

Gina has a restless sleep

Frank Langella parties with strippers

7:00AM - 8:30AM :

Gina gets ready for work with eyes that won't stay open and a mind that won't cooperate.

It takes three armed guards to hoist Mr. Langella over their shoulders and back to his secret hotel room at the Plaza, where they dump him on the floor and haphazardly cover him with a blanket.

8:30AM - 9:45AM:

Gina commutes to work.

Frank Langella awakes long enough to remove the panties from his mouth.

10:00-4:00

Gina works at a desk in an office, like most offices, with artificial lighting.

Frank Langella sleeps peacefully in a gin-induced slumber.

4:00-7:00

Gina meets up with mommy and they wander around semi-aimlessly, trying to pass the THREE HOURS before the play.

Frank Langella stirs.

7:00-8:00

Gina and Mommy FINALLY get into the theater, where they take their seats and realize they're going to fall asleep.

7:00-7:35

Frank Langella sleeps.

7:36- 7:55

Frank Langella sleeps

7:55

Frank Langella awakes, throws his clothes on and dashes to the theater where the show stars 20 minutes late.

NOW WE ALL KNOW WHY!

Anyway, my general point is, Frank Langella puts people to sleep.
And also, theatre would be better if it started at 7 because then we'd get out an hour earlier and wouldn't get stuck on an N that decides to go local.

Why Fishtanks Stress Me Out

Hi.  I'm Gina.
Things that are meant to de-stress people stress me out.
This is me:

 And this is why I hate fishtanks.

Back in the BCE's, the Japanese said "Hey, life is madd stressful what with war and famine and all.  I think that looking at some jellyfish float around in a tank of water would really calm me down."
And it did! And still does to this day.

 "This is like so relaxing I might fall asleep"

But jellyfish are expensive and you can't just go down to Coney Island and scrape them off the beach, that's illegal. So we adapted by combing the oceans and taking out any type of fish, throwing them in a tank with a plastic castle and a couple of snails.

  

Dramatization of a fishtank

And to billions of people everywhere, staring at a tank of water full of fish is more relaxing than the massage chairs at Brookstone.

Not to me.
Asking me to look at a fishtank for more than ten seconds makes me break out into a cold sweat.  Because instead of happy fish going about their everyday fish tasks of going to the market and visiting the castle, I can only imagine seeing this:

Random act of fish death.

Yes, every time I look at a fishtank, I imagine that I will see a fish roll over and die right in front of my eyes, that just as I am forming a visual bond and naming the little creature, its life will end with hardly a whisper of a warning.

THAT STRESSES ME OUT.

I don't want to see a fish DIE.  And I don't even like fish, unless they're rolled in rice and seaweed.

They die ALL THE TIME.  They have a lifespan of about a minute and fifty seconds.  So really, if you think about it, it's like watching a ticking timebomb waiting to explode.  Where's the calm in that?

So how people could just stare at a watery grave is just beyond me.

It's beyond me.

Everything Makes Me Twitch

If something can go wrong, I've already thought of it.
Not only have I already thought of it,
I've already thought of all subsequent "somethings" that could go along with it.

Because of that, I'm funny.
Mostly.
I'm funny and I'm stressed.
So I'm just going to write about everything I have ever been stressed about and put it all down here and see if anybody else laughs.

I know I do
...afterwards.